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Prologue: The Guest Star's dressing room[]

Scooter: [Knocking On Door 5 Times] "(Guest Star's Name), (Guest Star's Name), 14 2nds 'til curtain, Mr. (Guest Star's Last Name)."

Guest Star: "Why thanks a bunch, Scooter, it's been almost a couple of years ever since my appearance on The Cameo Show episode of Muppets Tonight."

Scooter: "Oh yeah, the best and original Muppet classics."

(Brief Pause)

Scooter: "What's with all of these clams on your dresser?"

Guest Star: "I'm just hopin' things would just clam up for now."

Cut to Kermit appearing through The All-New Muppet Show logo........

Kermit: "It's The All-New Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Arsenio Hall, yaaaaay!"

[The All-New Muppet Show Theme Music In Background]

Rowlf: [Playing On Piano Keys]

Female Muppet friends: It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights, it's time to meet the Muppets on The All-New Muppet Show tonight

Male Muppet friends: it's time to put on make-up, it's time to dress up right, it's time to raise the curtain on The All-New Muppet Show tonight

Waldorf: why do we always come here?

Statler: I guess we'll never know

Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture

Statler and Waldorf: to have to watch the show

[Music Continues In Background]

Kermit: and now let's get things started

Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started

Kermit and Muppet friends: it's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational, this is what we call The All-New Muppet Show...........

Gonzo's trumpet sprays grape soda out all over the place.

Scene 1: Onstage/the introduction[]

Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, and welcome again to The All-New Muppet Show, tonight's a very comedic night 'cause our guest star is Mr. (Guest Star's Name), but 1st, we have an opening musical number."

Chip: "Hey, Kermit, just for you to know, there are a bunch of newspapers blowing around the entire theater."

Kermit looks around and sees Animal clowning around with the wind fan.

Kermit: "Animal, would you kindly shut off that wind fan, please?"

Animal shuts off the wind fan.

Animal: "Sorry."

Kermit: "Anyway, here's Pepe, Rizzo, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter and Walter for the opening musical number."

Opening Musical Number: Hello (Adele classic)[]

Pepe: “Hola, soy yo.”

Rizzo:  I was wonderin' if afta' all dese years ya'd like t'meet to go ova' everydin'

Fozzie: they say that time’s supposed to heal ya

but I ain’t done much healing

Gonzo: Hello can you hear me?

I'm in California dreamin’ about who we used to be

when we were younger and free

I’ve forgotten how it felt before the world fell at our feet

Scooter: there's such a difference between us

and a million miles

Walter: hello from the other side

I must’ve called 1000 times

to tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done

but when I call you never seem to be home

Gonzo: hello from the outside

at least I can say that I've tried

to tell you I'm sorry for breaking your heart

but it don't matter it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore

Scooter: hello how are you?

it's so typical of me to talk about myself I'm sorry

I hope that you're well

did you ever make it outta that town where nothing ever happened?

Walter: it's no secret that the both of us

are runnin’ out of time

Rizzo: hello from de oda' side

I must’ve called a dousand times

to tell ya' I'm sorry fo' everydin' dat I've done

but when I call

ya' neva' seem t'be home

Scooter: hello from the outside

at least I can say that I've tried

to tell you I'm sorry for breakin’ your heart

but it don't matter

it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore

Gonzo: hello how are you?

it's so typical of me to talk about myself I'm sorry

I hope that you're well

did you ever make it outta that town where nothing ever happened?

Fozzie: it’s no secret that the both of us

are runnin’ out of time

Walter: so hello from the other side

I must’ve called 1000 times

to tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done

but when I call

you never seem to be home

Scooter: hello from the outside

at least I can say that I've tried

to tell you I'm sorry for breakin’ your heart

but it don't matter it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore

Pepe: Ohhhhhh anymore

Rizzo: Ohhhhhh anymo’e

Gonzo: Ohhhhhh anymore

Fozzie: anymore

Pepe: Hola from the other side

I must’ve called 1000 times

to tell you I'm sorry for everything that I've done

but when I call

you never seem to be home

Scooter: hello from the outside

at least I can say that I've tried

to tell you I'm sorry for breakin’ your heart

but it don't matter

it clearly doesn't tear you apart anymore......

Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony.......

Waldorf: "You know, Statler, I usually prefer the Beatles classic hit: Hello Goodbye."

Statler: "And I prefer the other song, Over the Rainbow from The Wizard of Oz 1939 movie."

Waldorf: "Music to our ears!"

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably]

Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage.........

Kermit: "Let's see what's next."

Kermit: (looking at the list) "Bear on Patrol is next, Bear on Patrol is next onstage, everybody."

Bear On Patrol sketch number: Breaking a vase[]

Announcer: "And now, ridding the world of evil, here comes Bear on Patrol."

Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Okay, alright, just a few more steps, right there, perfect."

Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "What's the trouble this time, Patrol Bear?"

Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "This blue monster walked right into a coffee table and broke a vase."

Beautiful Day Monster: "But I didn't do it, I swear, it wasn't me."

Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Tell me your name, please."

Beautiful Day Monster: "I'm Beautiful Day Monster, and I would never be wreckless and careless."

Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Let me check the guilty and innocent list."

Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob scans right through the innocent list and finds Beautiful Day Monster's name written on here.

Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Well, Beautiful Day Monster, you're innocent after all, you're finally free to go right now, Patrol Bear, take your hands off him, please."

Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Yes, Officer Hogthrob sir."

Fozzie/Patrol Bear takes his hands off Beautiful Day Monster.

Talk Spot[]

Kermit: "So, (Guest Star's 1st Name), what do you like to do during a thunderstorm?"

Guest Star: "Well, Kermit, I like sitting around inside playing card games like Uno or Go Fish."

Kermit: "Well, I'd like to sit around the fireplace with Piggy, Fozzie, Gonzo, Scooter, Walter and the rest of my good friends."

The Swedish Chef Sketch number: Bacon, spinach and tomato sandwiches[]

Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue,

orn desh, dee born desh

de umn

bork, bork, bork

Swedish Chef: "Tuneeght, ve-a're-a mekeeng, becun, speenech und tumetu sundveeches."

Swedish Chef: "Furst, ve-a get oooot feefe-a tuest sleeces."

The Swedish Chef gets out 5 toast slices and puts them on a big paper plate and right on the kitchen counter.

Swedish Chef: "Next, ve-a spreed zee tuest sleeces veet sooger sveet meyuneeese-a."

The Swedish Chef spreads the 5 toast slices with sugar sweet mayonaise.

Swedish Chef: "Noo, ve-a poot leettle-a streeps ooff toorkey becun, sume-a speenech und oone-a tumetu sleece-a oon zee buttum perts."

The Swedish Chef puts the bacon, spinach and tomato slices on the bottom parts.

Swedish Chef: "Lest boot nut leest, ve-a tup zeem ooffff veet zee tup tuest perts."

The Swedish Chef puts the top toast parts on the bacon, spinach and tomato parts.

Swedish Chef: "Und zeey're-a yuoo hefe-a it, becun, speenech und tumetu sundveeches."

Bacon, Spinach and Tomato Sandwich Number 1: "Why did the peanut butter cookie go to the dr.'s office?"

Bacon, Spinach and Tomato Sandwich Number 2: "I don't know, why did he?"

Bacon, Spinach and Tomato Sandwich Number 1: "'Cause he was feeling crumby!"

Swedish Chef: "Vhet zeey hey?"

Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again.......

Statler: "Boy, those sandwiches sure can take some real good jokes."

Waldorf: "They're much more hilarious than Fozzie's jokes."

Statler: "As if!"

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again......

Kermit: "Pigs in Space is next, Pigs in Space is next onstage, everybody."

Pigs in Space sketch number: Breeze Maker 900[]

Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaaaace, starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Piggy and the wise cracking scientific genius, Dr. Strangepork, where we last left our heroes aboard the Swine Trek.

Link Hogthrob: "Well, it's another ordinary day in the Swine Trek."

Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "It's another day of 1 of Dr. Strangepork's crazy inventions."

Dr. Strangepork: "Hey, check out my new invention: the Breeze Maker 900."

Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "What exactly does it do?"

Dr. Strangepork: "Well, technically, it creates a big strong breeze when I flip this blue switch."

Link Hogthrob: "How fascinating."

Dr. Strangepork flips the blue switch and everything gets blown around all over the place.

Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Somebody turn that machine off!"

Link Hogthrob: "If I'd known this place would've been malfunctioning, everything would've been blowin' in the wind by now!"

Dr. Strangepork: "Now hold it, I'm gonna turn this machine right off."

Dr. Strangepork flips down the blue switch and turns off the Breeze Maker 900.

Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "Thank goodness."

Link Hogthrob: "What a relief."

Announcer: "Will Dr. Strangepork ever keep control of his inventions? does Link Hogthrob know about a space monster invasion? will 1st Mate Piggy ever stay fresh? find out on the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaaace."

Muppet News Flash: a jogging routine in the park[]

Newsman (off screen): "Here's a Muppet news flash."

The Newsman sits right down at his desk.

Newsman: "In the park, everybody's been getting lots of exercise lately, and it was a jogging routine in the park, jogging is a very important exercise routine for all of us, now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go jogging for a little while."

The Newsman goes out jogging for a little while then sits right down to have some ice cold water in his mug.

Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage........

Kermit: "Veterinarian's Hospital is next, Veterinarian's Hosptial is next onstage, everybody."

Veterinarian's Hospital Sketc,h #: Pepe as the patient[]

Announcer: "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs."

Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "And so there I was minding my own business in Tokyo, Japan, I was walking around downtown and I karate chopped a giant Japanese monster enemy."

Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "Dr. Bob, you and your Japanese jokes."

Janice/Nurse Janice: "So who's our patient this time, Dr. Bob?"

Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Behold, Nurse Janice, here he is."

Rowlf/Dr. Bob pulls back the corner of the green quilt to reveal Pepe as their patient.

Pepe: "Ay carumba, my arms are killing me."

Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "Oh my gosh, Pepe, what happened to you?"

Pepe: "I was fighting against my peor enemigo and my arms begin hurting."

Janice/Nurse Janice: "What a total bummer."

Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Not to worry about it, Pepe, try taking some pain killing pills with ice cold water."

Pepe: "Easy for you to say."

Announcer: "Will Dr. Bob ever stay in touch with his patients? will Nurse Piggy keep up with her true spirits? will Nurse Janice ever get a relaxing vacation? tune in next week when you hear Nurse Piggy say-"

Nurse: "Any word for this patient, Dr. Bob?"

Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well, Nurse Piggy, let's hope he gets plenty of sleep tonight."

Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again....

Statler: "Pepe should've looked where he was going."

Waldorf: "Well he should be wearing a pair of sunglasses."

Statler: "What do you mean by that?"

Waldorf: "He's gone completley blind!"

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again........

Kermit: "Muppet Sports is next, Muppet Sports is next onstage, everybody."

Muppet Sports sketch number: Basket Ball[]

Louis Kazagger: "Hello, sports fans, welcome to another day of Muppet Sports, where we play all of our most favorite sports games, today's sport is basket ball, now who can jump the highest to get the basket ball right into the basket ball hoop? let's find out if either Skeeter or Bean can do it."

Skeeter picks up the basket ball, then she dribbles it, jumps right up and shoots the basket ball right into the basket ball hoop.

Skeeter: "Yes! I scored 1 single basket!"

Louis Kazagger: "Skeeter wins the basket ball game!"

Bean: "Whoa, boy, I'm all tired out."

Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again.....

Statler: "My most favorite sport used to be bowling."

Waldorf: "And mine used to be volley ball."

Statler: "Sports to the championship!"

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Cut back to Kermit in his office back stage again......

Kermit: "Muppet Labs is next, Muppet Labs is next onstage, everybody."

Muppet Labs sketch number: Automatic Back Scratcher[]

[Clock Ticking]

[Muppet Labs Theme Music In Background]

Bunsen: "Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today."

(Brief Pause)

Bunsen: "That's right, we're testing our our newest invention: the Automatic Back Scratcher."

(Another brief pause)

Bunsen: "Have you ever been tired of using an ordinary back scratcher? well, you came just to the right place to use the Automatic Back Scratcher, which of course my faithful assistant, Beaker, will now demonstrate, come on over here, Beaker."

Beaker: "Mee, mo, mee, mo, mee?"

Bunsen: (understanding Beaker's meep language) "Oh yes, Beaker, of course it'll scratch our backs, now just stand right underneath it and the magic will happen."

Beaker stands right underneath it and the Automatic Back Scratcher turns on by itself.

Bunsen: "Watch and see what happens."

The Automatic Back Scratcher begins scratching Beaker's back by giving him a massage treatment.

Beaker: [Meeping And Shuddering]

Bunsen: "Oh, Beaker, you look like you're getting a massage treatment, well, unfortunately, that's all the time we have for tonight, so join us next time at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today."

Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again........

Waldorf: "You know, Statler, I would be more relaxed with a back scratcher like that."

Statler: "So will I, it makes the boredom go away."

Waldorf: "Itchiness is worse than mosquito bites."

Statler: "As if!"

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Cut back to Kermit onstage again.......

Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, people of all ages, here's Uncle Deadly for the closing musical number."

Closing Musical Number: The Monster Mash[]

Rowlf: [Playing On Piano Keys]

Uncle Deadly: I was working in the lab

late 1 night

when my eyes beheld an eerie sight

for my monster from his slab

began to rise
and suddenly to my surprise

Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): he did the mash

Uncle Deadly: he did the monster mash

Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): the monster mash

Uncle Deadly: it was a graveyard smash

Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): he did the mash

Uncle Deadly: it caught on in a flash

Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): he did the mash

Uncle Deadly: he did the monster mash

Uncle Deadly (continued): from my laboratory

in the castle east

to the master bedroom

where the vampires feast

the ghouls all came from their humble abodes
to get a jolt from my electrodes

Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): they did the mash

Uncle Deadly: they did the monster mash

Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): the monster mash

Uncle Deadly: it was a graveyard smash

Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): they did the mash

Uncle Deadly: it caught on in a flash

Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): they did the mash

Uncle Deadly: they did the monster mash

Uncle Deadly (continued): the zombies were having fun
the party had just begun
the guests included Wolfman,
Dracula and his son

Uncle Deadly: the scene was rockin'

all were digging the sounds
Igor on chains

backed by his baying hounds
the coffin-bangers were about to arrive
with their vocal group

the Crypt-Kicker 5

Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): they played the mash

Uncle Deadly: they played the monster mash

Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): the monster mash

Uncle Deadly: it was a graveyard smash

Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): they played the mash

Uncle Deadly: it caught on in a flash


Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): they played the mash

Uncle Deadly: they played the monster mash

Uncle Deadly (continued): out from his coffin

Drac's voice did ring
seems he was troubled by just 1 thing
opened the lid and shook his fist and said
"Whatever happened to my Transylvania Twist?"

Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): it's now the mash

Uncle Deadly: it's now the monster mash

Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): the monster mash

Uncle Deadly: it was graveyard smash

Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): it's now the mash

Uncle Deadly: it caught on in a flash

Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): it's now the mash

Uncle Deadly: it's now the monster mash

Uncle Deadly (continued): now everything's cool

Drac's a part of the band

and my Monster Mash is the hit of the land

for you

the living

this mash was meant too

when you get to my door

tell them Boris sent you

Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): then you can mash

Uncle Deadly: then you can monster mash

Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): the monster mash

Uncle Deadly: and do my graveyard smash

Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): then you can mash

Uncle Deadly: you'll catch on in a flash

Miss Piggy, Janice, Wanda, Mildred Huxtetter, Skeeter and Yolanda (except Camilla): then you can mash

Uncle Deadly: then you can monster mash

Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once again........

Waldorf: "Boy, I sure could use that song at a spooky fun Halloween house party."

Statler: "Well? so could I."

Waldorf: "Spook-tacular!"

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Scene 2: Back onstage/welcoming the Guest Star[]

Kermit: "Alright, thank you, everybody, it's been such a wonderful evening for all of us, but right before we go, let's give a real good welcome to Mr. (Guest Star's Name), yaaaaaay!"

The Guest Star arrives onstage.

Guest Star: "Why thanks a bunch, you guys, it's been so wonderful being on the show with all of you here."

Skeeter shows up onstage with them.

Skeeter: "Great news, you guys, the wind fans have stopped and there are now newspapers flying about."

Guest Star: "Oh good, now we don't need to worry about cleaning up the entire theater."

Kermit: "Well, anyway, we'll see you next time on The All-New Muppet Show."

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