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Prologue: The Guest Star's dressing room[]

Scooter: [Knocking On Door 5 Times] "(Guest Star's Name), (Guest Star's Name), 13 2nds 'til curtain, Mr. (Guest Star's Last Name)."

Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch, Scooter, I'll be ready in a jiffy."

Scooter: "Did you get that strawberry banana smoothie you ordered?"

Guest Star: "I sure did, the Swedish Chef just prepared it for me."

Swedish Chef: "Perffectly heelthy und guud fur zee soommer teeme-a."

Cut to Kermit appearing through The All-New Muppet Show logo........

Kermit: "It's The All-New Muppet Show, with our very special guest star, Mr. Owen Wilson, yaaaaay!"

[The All-New Muppet Show Theme Music In Background]

Rowlf: [Playing On Piano Keys]

Female Muppet friends: It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights, it's time to meet the Muppets on The All-New Muppet Show tonight

Male Muppet friends: it's time to put on make-up, it's time to dress up right, it's time to raise the curtain on The All-New Muppet Show tonight

Waldorf: why do we always come here?

Statler: I guess we'll never know

Waldorf: it's like some kind of torture

Statler and Waldorf: to have to watch the show

[Music Continues In Background]

Kermit: and now let's get things started

Miss Piggy: why don't you get things started

Kermit and Muppet friends: it's time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppet-ational, this is what we call The All-New Muppet Show...........

[Sounds Of A Cash Register]

Scene 1: Onstage/the introduction[]

Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, and welcome again to The All-New Muppet Show, that's right, tonight's special guest star is Mr. (Guest Star's Name), and that's not all, he's been in Marley and Me, The Big Year, Cars 1, 2 and 3 and all of them, but 1st, we have an opening musical number."

Bunsen and Beaker show up onstage.

Bunsen: "Kermit, just for you to be warned, Beaker and I have perfected a Full Moon Potion, it can transform anybody into a werewolf or any were-creature if they accidentally take 1 sip of it."

Kermit: "Don't worry about it, Dr. Honeydew, it won't happen again, (he turns over to the audience.) anyway, here's Gonzo for the opening musical number."

Opening musical number: Something[]

[Music In Background]

Gonzo: Something in the way she moves
attracts me like no other lover
something in the way she woos me

Gonzo (continued): don't wanna leave her now

you know I believe and how

[Music Continues In Background]

Gonzo: somewhere in her smile she knows

that I don't need no other lover

something in her style that shows me

Gonzo (continued): don't wanna leave her now

you know I believe and how

[Music Continues In Background]

Gonzo: you're asking me

will my love grow

I don't know

I don't know

you stick around

now it may show

I don't know, I don't know

[Musical Interlude]

Gonzo (continued): something in the way she knows

and all I have to do is think of her

something in the things she shows me

Gonzo: don't wanna leave her now

you know I believe and how........

[Music Ends]

Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony.........

Waldorf: "You know, Statler, this song reminds me of when I 1st met my beautiful wife, Astoria in the park."

Statler: "What did you and Astoria do together as always."

Waldorf: "Bird watching and nature hiking."

Statler: "Romance is everything!"

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably]

Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage........

Kermit: "Let's see what's next, (he looks right at the list.) oh, Bear on Patrol is next, Bear on Patrol is next onstage, everybody."

Bear on Patrol sketch number: Stolen postage stamps[]

Announcer: "And now, ridding the world of evil, here's Bear on Patrol."

Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Alright, just a few steps ahead, there you go, perfect."

Chip: "Hey, what am I doing here? I didn't even do anything terrible and horrible."

Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "What seems to be the problem, Patrol Bear?"

Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "This young man snuck right into the post office and stole an entire roll of postage stamps."

Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Tell me your name, please."

Chip: "I'm Chip, and I'm innocent, I didn't steal any postage stamps."

Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Let me check the guilty and innocent list."

Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob scans right through the innocent list and finds Chip's name written on here.

Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: "Well, Chip, you're innocent after all, so, Patrol Bear, you can let him go right now."

Fozzie/Patrol Bear: "Yes, Officer Hogthrob sir."

Fozzie/Patrol Bear lets Chip go free at last.

Chip: "Oh thanks a bunch, Patrol Bear."

Talk Spot: The Guest Star mistakes the Full Moon Potion for crystal light lemonade[]

Bunsen: "Well, I'm just gonna take this cup of crystal light lemonade right up to (Guest Star's Name)'s dressing room."

Beaker walks around holding a cup of the Full Moon Potion.

Bunsen: "Oh, Beaker, what are you doing with the Full Moon Potion?"

Beaker: "Mee, mo, mee, mo, mee, mee."

Bunsen: "Well, Beaker, we must switch these cups right away, after all, we wouldn't want (Guest Star's 1st Name) to accidentally drink the Full Moon Potion."

Clifford: "Full Moon Potion??"

Bunsen and Beaker switch the cups around.

Bunsen: "Well, come on, Beaker, let's go right up to that dressing room and give him the most perfect beverage."

Clifford: "Oh man, I knew this was gonna be a very different show tonight."

Bunsen and Beaker go right upstairs and enter the Guest Star's dressing room.

Guest Star: "Dr. Honeydew, Beaker, good to see you guys in my dressing room."

Bunsen: "Well, (Guest Star's 1st Name), we're here to give you a perfectly good beverage, here you go, it'll help you say goodbye to that nasty throat irritation."

Guest Star: (accidentally taking the Full Moon Potion) "Goodbye nasty throat irritation, right? alright, I'll drink to that."

The Guest Star takes 1 sip of the Full Moon Potion, and suddenly he begins the werewolf transformation.

Werewolf Guest Star: "What the-"

Werewolf Guest Star: [Growling And Howling]

Beaker: [Shrieking And Meeping In Alarm]

Bunsen: "Oh dear, Beaker, I don't think we got it right after all."

Cut back to Kermit onstage..........

Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, good friends of all ages, it's now guest star time, and here he is to read his poem, Mr. (Guest Star's 1st Name)-"

Scooter rushes out onstage with a look of fear on his face.

Scooter: "Kermit, wait, I don't think you should introduce (Guest Star's Name) right now."

Kermit: "Why not, Scooter?"

Scooter: "Well, technically, he's changed.

Kermit: "Well of course he's changed, he had to put on his costume for this poetry number."

Scooter: "I mean he's changed in some other ways."

Kermit: "Well I don't know what you're talking about, just let me try to finish the introduction."

Kermit: (turning to the audience) "Ladies and gentlemen, good friends of all ages, Mr. (Guest Star's 1st Name)-"

Werewolf Guest Star (from backstage): [Howling]

Kermit: "What was that howling sound?"

Scooter: "(Guest Star's Name)."

Kermit: "Ladies and gentlemen, good friends of all ages, it's time for Poetry Time with Sam the Eagle."

Poetry Time with Sam the Eagle[]

Sam: "Good evening, fellow American citizens, I will now recite the poem of Little Miss Muffet."

Sam: Little Miss Muffet

sat on her tuffet

eating her curds and whey

along came a spider

who sat down beside her

and frightened Miss Muffet away.

Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again.........

Statler: "That spider sure got it good this time."

Waldorf: "I think it was more like a silk spider."

Statler: "Or maybe a wolf spider!"

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Cut back to Kermit and his Muppet friends backstage........

Kermit: "Okay, everybody, (Guest Star's 1st Name)'s coming right in here, and when he shows up, throw the ropes around him and he'll be back into his original human self again."

Gonzo: "Look, here he comes right now!"

The werewolf Guest Star shows up again.

Scooter: "Now, guys!"

They all throw the ropes around the werewolf Guest Star and the Guest Star is back to his original human self again.

Kermit: "(Guest Star's 1st Name), you're human again."

Guest Star: "Of course I'm human again, Kermit, in fact, I'll be right in my dressing room if you need me."

The Guest Star goes right back in his dressing room.

Scooter: "At least he's not a werewolf any longer."

Bunsen: "Well, that's the exact thing about the Full Moon Potion, it's got powerful side effects."

Werewolf Guest Star: [Growling And Howling Again]

Bunsen: "Easy come, easy goes."

The Swedish Chef Sketch number: Blueberry muffins[]

Swedish Chef: Yorn desh born, der ritt de gitt der gue,

orn desh, dee born desh,

de umn

bork, bork, bork

Swedish Chef: "Tuneeght, ve-a're-a mekeeng blooeberry mooffeens." 

Swedish Chef: "Furst, ve-a preheet zee oofee tu three-a hoondred und sefenty-feefe-a degrees."

The Swedish Chef preheats the kitchen oven to 375 degrees.

Swedish Chef: "Noo it's teeme-a fur zee ingredeeents."

Swedish Chef: "Furst, ve-a poot oone-a helff coop ooff melted bootter in zee medeeoom meexing bool."

The Swedish Chef puts 1/2 cup of melted butter in the medium mixing bowl.

Swedish Chef: "Next, poot in oone-a coop ooff grunooleted sooger."

The Swedish Chef puts 1 cup of granulated sugar in the medium mixing bowl as well.

Swedish Chef: "Next, poot in tvu lerge-a iggs es vell."

The Swedish Chef puts 2 large eggs in the medium mixing bowl as well.

Swedish Chef: "Next, poot in oone-a teespuun ooff funeella ixtrect."

The Swedish Chef puts in 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract.

Swedish Chef: "Noo ve-a meex up zee sooger und vet ingredeeents."

The Swedish Chef mixes up the sugar and wet ingredients.

Swedish Chef: "Ell feenished noo."

Swedish Chef: "Poot tvu coops ooff ell poorpuse-a fluoor in zee beeg meexing bool."

The Swedish Chef puts 2 cups of all purpose flour in the big mixing bowl.

Swedish Chef: "Poot in oone-a fuoort teespuun ooff selt."

The Swedish Chef puts 1/4 teaspoon of salt in the big mixing bowl as well.

Swedish Chef: "Next, poot in tvu teespuuns ooff bekeeng pooder."

The Swedish Chef puts 2 teaspoons of baking powder in the big mixing bowl as well.

Swedish Chef: "Noo ve-a meex up zee dry ingredeeents elung veet zee vet ingredeeents."

The Swedish Chef mixes up the dry ingredients along with the wet ingredients.

Swedish Chef: "Here-a's zee next best theeng: gently fuld zee blooeberreees reeght intu zee meextoore-a."

The Swedish Chef gently folds the blueberries right into the mixture.

Swedish Chef: "Poot sume-a mooffffeen vreppers in zee mooffffeen pun und poot zee blooeberry mooffffeen meextoore-a in ifery seengle-a oone-a ooff zeem."

The Swedish Chef puts some muffin wrappers in the muffin pan and puts the blueberry muffin mixture in every single 1 of them.

Swedish Chef: "Noo ve-a beke-a zeem fur tventy meenootes 'teel guldee broon und spreengy tu tuooch."

The Swedish Chef bakes the blueberry muffins in the kitchen oven for 20 minutes, 'til they're all done baking and he puts on his oven mitts and takes them outta the kitchen oven.

Swedish Chef: "Und zeere-a yuoo hefe-a it, a neece-a fresh betch ooff blooeberry mooffeens."

The blueberry muffins begin tap dancing all over the place.

Swedish Chef: "Vhet zee hey?"

Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again..........

Statler: "Hey, Waldorf, you know the cupcake guy?"

Waldorf: "You mean the 1 who lives in Ontario?"

Statler: "That's him, and he's also the cousin of the Muffin Man."

Waldorf: "Who lives on Drury Lane?"

Statler: "That's the 1 I've been telling you about."

Waldorf: "Baked goods have been too popular!"

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Cut back to Kermit, Scooter and the others backstage......

Bean: "Scooter, protect me and everybody from our guest star, (Guest Star's Name)."

Scooter: "Hey, listen, Bean, I know that (Guest Star's 1st Name) accidentally drank the Full Moon Potion, but he's really a nice gentle man."

Werewolf Guest Star: [Howling Again]

Scooter: "And we'll protect you from him."

Kermit: "And right now, I'm gonna see what's next onstage."

Kermit: (looking at the list again) "Pigs in Space is next, Pigs in Space is next onstage, everybody."

Pigs in Space sketch number: Hypnotized 1st Mate Piggy and Link Hogthrob[]

Announcer: "And now it's time for Pigs in Spaaaace, starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Piggy and the wise cracking scientific genius, Dr. Strangepork, where we last left our heroes aboard the Swine Trek."

Link Hogthrob: "Oh boy, this sure was a good circus show."

Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "It most certainly was."

Dr. Strangepork: "Check out my new invention, you guys, it's the official Hypnotizer 200."

Link Hogthrob: "How fascinating, how does that work?"

Dr. Strangepork: "You just push this red button and it gets you hypnotized."

Dr. Strangepork pushes the red button and hypnotizes Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy and Link Hogthrob.

Dr. Strangepork: "Now you're hypnotized into dusting the Swine Trek's controls."

Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy and Link Hogthrob are now dusting the Swine Trek's controls.

Dr. Strangepork: "Now let me unhypnotize both of you with this game show buzzer."

[Buzzer Sounds]

Miss Piggy/1st Mate Piggy: "What the-"

Link Hogthrob: "Where are we anyway?"

Dr. Strangepork: "Well you're unhypnotized, so right now, I'm gonna put this Hypnotizer 200 away."

Dr. Strangepork puts away the Hypnotizer 200.

1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: "What a relief."

Announcer: "Will Captain Link Hogthrob ever succeed in piloting the Swine Trek? will Dr. Strangepork ever wonder what's attacking the entire universe? does 1st Mate Piggy know what's happening? find out on the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaaace."

Cut back to Bunsen and Beaker and the others backstage.........

Bunsen: "This is getting way too dangerous, Beaker, I'm just gonna put this Full Moon Potion right down on Kermit's desk."

Bunsen puts the Full Moon Potion right down on Kermit's desk and Scooter finds it and is quite amazed.

Scooter: "Oh good, crystal light lemonade, I'm kind of parched and thirsty by the way."

Scooter mistakes the Full Moon Potion for crystal light lemonade, then takes 1 sip of it and begins transforming into a werewolf himself.

Werewolf Scooter: "Oh my gosh, I look just like a werewolf."

Werewolf Scooter: [Growling And Howling]

The Guest Star comes right outta his dressing room.

Guest Star: "Hey, Scooter, can you please keep it down? I'm trying to rehearse for the Muppet Sports number."

Werewolf Scooter: [Howling Again]

Guest Star: "Are you that angry and fed up with me?"

Werewolf Scooter: [Growling And Howling Again]

Werewolf Scooter transforms back into normal Scooter again.

Scooter: "Good thing I'm back to my original self again."

Muppet News Flash: Giant Gingerbread Man[]

Newsman (offscreen): "Here's a Muppet News Flash."

The Newsman sits right at his desk.

Newsman: "This just in today, during a walk in the park, we just discovered a giant gingerbread man walking around all over the place, we must be very careful when 1 of them walks by here."

A giant gingerbread man begins walking around all over the place.

Giant Gingerbread Man: "Gangway, coming through!"

Newsman: "I'm sure lucky I didn't become flat as a cutting board."

Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage.......

Kermit: "Veterinarian's Hospital is next, Veterinarian's Hospital is next onstage, everybody."

Veterinarian's Hospital sketch number: Clifford as the patient[]

Announcer: "And now, Veterinarian's Hospital, the continuing story of a quack who's gone to the dogs."

Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "And so just as I was in the depths of Australia, I was walkin' around the wilderness when I saw a kangaroo doin' aerobic exercises."

Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh, Dr. Bob, you and your kangaroo jokes."

Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "So who's our patient this time, Dr. Bob?"

Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Behold, Nurse Piggy, observe and watch."

Rowlf/Dr. Bob pulls back the corner of the green quilt to reveal Clifford as their patient.

Clifford: "Oh man, I knew I should've watched where I was goin'."

Janice/Nurse Janice: "Oh my word, Clifford, what happened to you here?"

Clifford: "Well, I was walkin' around cleanin' the lavatory faucets, when I suddenly lost my balance and slipped on a bar of blue soap."

Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well that's another year of bad luck."

Announcer: "Will Dr. Bob ever have good luck with his patients? does Nurse Piggy know which type of pills to give the patient? will Nurse Janice ever succeed in crossword puzzles? tune in next week when you here Nurse Piggy say-"

Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: "Dr. Bob? any word for this patient?"

Rowlf/Dr. Bob: "Well let's just say he should've put that bar of blue soap in a soap dish."

Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again..........

Waldorf: "I think Clifford should've looked where he was going."

Statler: "Oh yeah? well I think Clifford should've been more careful and not so clueless."

Waldorf: "He'll be limping all over the place!"

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage.........

Kermit: "Muppet Sports is next, Muppet Sports is next onstage, everybody."

Muppet Sports sketch number: Bowling[]

Louis Kazagger: "Good evening, sports fans, welcome to another day of Muppet Sports, today's sport is bowling, where we have 2 contestants: Rowlf and Walter, who do you think will knock those pins down?"

Rowlf rolls his bowling ball gently over the middle line and Walter does the exact same thing Rowlf did.

Louis Kazagger: "Will their bowling balls ever succeed? will those pins be knocked down?"

The 2 bowling balls continue rolling around and finally knock down the bowling pins.

Louis Kazagger: "They won, they tied!"

Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again........

Waldorf: "You know, Statler, I used to play basketball in my younger years."

Statler: "I even used to play baseball in my younger years very often."

Waldorf: "Sports authority!"

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage.......

Kermit: "Muppet Labs is next, Muppet Labs is next onstage, everybody."

Muppet Labs sketch number: Musical Rotating Rain Barrel[]

[Clock Ticking]

[Muppet Labs Theme Music In Background]

Bunsen: "Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today, (brief pause) that's exactly right, we're testing out our new invention: the Musical Rotating Rain Barrel."

(Brief Pause)

Bunsen: "Have you ever had a sprinkler that didn't work before and it was broken? well, we have just what you need: the Musical Rotating Rain Barrel, which of course, my faithful assistant, Beaker, will now demonstrate, (he turns over to Beaker.) go ahead, Beaker, give it a go."

Beaker: Mee, mee!

Beaker winds up the key on the Musical Rotating Rain Barrel.

Bunsen: "Observe and watch."

[Instrumental Of Fraggle Rock Theme Tune Playing]

Bunsen: "Music to my ears."

Suddenly, some sprinkles of water begin spraying Beaker all over.

Beaker: [Meeping And Coughing]

Bunsen: "Oh, Beaker, you're looking quite wet back there."

Bunsen: "Well, that's all the time we have left for tonight, so join us next time at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today."

Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again........

Waldorf: "I sure wish I didn't see that 1 again."

Statler: "Good thing it didn't rain inside the entire theater."

Waldorf: "Wet and wild!"

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Cut back to Kermit onstage...........

Kermit: "And now, ladies and gentlemen, good friends of all ages, it's time for the closing musical number."

Closing Musical Number: With a Little Help from My Friends[]

[Music Being Played On Banjo]

Kermit: What would you think if I sang outta tune? would you stand up and walk out on me?

[Music Continues]

Gonzo: lend me your ears and I’ll sing you a song

Fozzie: and I’ll try not to sing outta key

Rowlf: oh I get by with a little help from my friends, yeah I get high with a little help from my friends, ooh I’m gonna try with a little help from my friends

[Music Continues Again]

Robin: what do I do when my love is away?

Scooter: does it worry you to be alone?

Swedish chef: huo du I feel by zee-a ind ouff zee-a dey?

Rizzo: are you sad because you’re on yo’ own?

Walter: no I get by with a little help from my friends, yeah I get high with a little help from my friends, ooh I’m gonna try with a little help from my friends

Lew Zealand: do you need anybody?

Bean: I need somebody to love

Janice: could it be anybody?

Floyd: I want somebody to love

Beauregard: would you believe in a love at 1st sight?

Link Hogthrob: yes I’m certain that it happens all the time

Clifford: what do you see when you turn out the light?

Sam: I can’t tell you, but I know it’s mine

Dr. Strangepork: oh I get by with a little help from my friends, yeah I get high with a little help from my friends, ooh I’m gonna try with a little help from my friends

Chip: do you need anybody?

Gonzo: I need somebody to love

Miss Piggy: could it be anybody?

Skeeter: I want somebody to love

Scooter: oh I get by with a little help from my friends, yeah I get high with a little help from my friends, ooh I’m gonna try with a little help from my friends, oh I get by with a little help from my friends, with a little help from my friends……

Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once again........

Waldorf: "I used to make a friendship bracelet my entire lfe."

Statler: "I used to make a photo album at a sleep away summer camp."

Waldorf: "True friends to the very end!"

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Once Again]

Scene 2: Back onstage/Welcoming the Guest Star[]

Kermit: "Thank you, everybody, you've been such a wonderful audience tonight, but right before we go, let's give a nice warm round of applause for Mr. (Guest Star's Name), yaaaay!"

The Guest Star arrives out onstage.........

Guest Star: "Thanks a bunch, you guys, it's been such an honor being on the show with everybody here."

Bunsen and Beaker arrive with shock, fear and alarm.

Bunsen: "Oh excuse me, I think I'd get outta here if I were you."

Guest Star: "Why's that, Dr. Honeydew?"

Bunsen: "Walter just drank the Full Moon Potion."

Werewolf Walter: [Growling And Howling]

Kermit: "We'll see you next time on The All-New Muppet Show."

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