The All-New Muppet Show/Episode 104 transcript

Prologue: The Guest Star’s dressing room
Scooter: [Knocking On Door 5 Times] “(Guest Star’s Name), oh, (Guest Star’s Name), 19 2nds ‘til curtain, Mr. (Guest Star’s Last Name).”

Guest Star: “Thanks a bunch, Scooter, I’ll be ready in a jiffy.”

Scooter: “Oh that’s good, ‘cause I can tell there’s a lot of Disney and Pixar animated characters popping up outta places in this theater just about now.”

Guest Star: “Oh, really?”

Scooter: “Yep, and here they come right now.”

Lenny, Wheezy, Hamm, Rex and Slinky from the Toy Story series show up in the Guest Star’s dressing room.

Cut to Kermit appearing through The All-New Muppet Show logo….

Kermit: “It’s The All-New Muppet Show, with our very special guest star and Disney and Pixar’s good luck charm, Mr. John Ratzenberger, yaaaaaaaaay!”

[The All-New Muppet Show Theme Tune In Background]

[Piano Music In Tempo]

Female Muppet friends: It’s time to play the music, it’s time to light the lights, it’s time to meet the Muppets on The All-New Muppet Show tonight

Male Muppet friends: it’s time to put on make-up, it’s time to dress up right, it’s time to raise the curtain on The All-New Muppet Show tonight

Waldorf: why do we always come here?

Statler: I guess we’ll never know

Waldorf: it’s like some kind of torture

Statler and Waldorf: to have to watch the show

[Music Continues In Background]

Kermit: and now let’s get things started

Miss Piggy: why don’t you get things started

Kermit and Muppet friends: it’s time to get things started on the most sensational, inspirational, celebrational, Muppetational, this is what we call The All-New Muppet Show……

[Sounds Of Bubbling Ocean Water]

Nemo, Marlin, Dory, Deb, Gurgle, Bloat, Jacques and Gil escape from Gonzo’s trumpet.

Scene 1: Onstage/the introduction

Kermit: “Thank you, everybody, and welcome to The All-New Muppet Show, that’s right, it’s a very exciting night for Disney and Pixar animated characters, ‘cause tonight’s special guest star is Mr. (Guest Star’s Name), and that’s not all, he’s been voice acting in Toy Story, Toy Story 2, Toy Story 3, Toy Story 4, A Bug’s Life, A Bug’s Life 2: The Adventures of Fearless Pals, Monsters Incorporated, Monsters University, Monsters Incorporated 2, Finding Nemo, Finding Dory, Finding Lisa, Ratatouille, Ratatouille 2, Ratatouille 3, Ratatouille 4, Up, Up Again, Inside Out, Inside Out 2, Inside Out 3, Inside Out 4, Cars, Cars 2, Cars 3, Cars 4, The Incredibles, The Incredibles 2, The Incredibles 3, The Incredibles 4, Newt Crossing and The Johnsons, but 1st, we’re gonna do an opening musical number.”

Beauregard: “Hey, uh, Kermit, just for you to know, there are 2 monsters named Sully and Mike in this theater.”

Kermit: “Thanks for telling me that, Beauregard, just don’t get Sweetums confused with them.”

Kermit: “Anyway, here’s Scooter, Walter, Robin and Rowlf to perform their song in the opening musical number.”

Opening Musical Number: Octopus’s Garden
[Music In Background]

Scooter: I’d like to be, under the sea, in an octopus’s garden in the shade

Walter: he’d let us in, knows where we’ve been, in his octopus’s garden in the shade

Robin: I’d ask my friends to come and see, an octopus’s garden with me

Scooter, Robin, Walter and Rowlf: I’d like to be, under the sea, in an octopus’s garden in the shade

[Music Continues In Background]

Rowlf: we would be warm, below the storm, in our little hide away beneath the waves

Robin: resting our head, on the sea bed, in an octopus’s garden near a cave

Scooter, Robin, Walter and Rowlf: we would be so happy you and me, no 1 there to tell us what to do

[Music Continues]

Scooter, Robin, Walter and Rowlf: I’d like to be, under the sea, in an octopus’s garden in the shade

[More Music In Background]

Robin: we would shout, and swim about, the coral that lies beneath the waves

Scooter, Walter and Rowlf: lies beneath the ocean waves

Scooter: oh what joy, for every girl and boy, knowing they’re happy and their safe

Robin, Walter and Rowlf: happy and their safe

Rowlf: we would sing and dance around, because we know, we can’t be found

Walter: I’d like to be, under the sea, in an octopus’s garden with you, in an octopus’s garden with you, in an octopus’s garden with you….

Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony……

Waldorf: “So, Statler, have you ever explored the ocean floor before?”

Statler: “No, but I explored a very old pirate ship my entire life.”

Waldorf: “Well? what did you find there?”

Statler: “Lots of buried treasure!”

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably]

Kermit: “Now let’s see, what’s next?”

Kermit looks at the check list.

Kermit: “Oh, Bear on Patrol is next, Bear on Patrol is next onstage, everybody.”

Bear on Patrol Sketch number: Stolen remote control motorbike
Announcer: “And now, ridding the world of evil, here’s Bear on Patrol.”

Fozzie/Patrol Bear: “Alright, come right this way, here you go, there, perfect.”

Fozzie/Patrol Bear sets Bean with Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob.

Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: “So, what seems to be the problem this time, Patrol Bear?”

Fozzie/Patrol Bear: “I discovered this rabbit sneaking right into a local toy department shop, trying to steal a remote control motorbike.”

Bean: “But I didn’t do it, I swear, it wasn’t even me.”

Fozzie/Patrol Bear: “Check the lists to see if he’s guilty or innocent.”

Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: “You got it, Patrol Bear.”

Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob scans right through the innocent list and finds Bean’s name written on here.

Link Hogthrob/Officer Hogthrob: “Just as I thought, you’re innocent after all.”

Fozzie/Patrol Bear: “You’re free to go right now.”

Bean: “Yes, oh boy, I’m finally free at last.”

Bean exits, stage right.

Cut to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again………

Statler: “That rabbit reminds me of a certain somebody I know.”

Waldorf: “Bugs Bunny?”

Statler: “No, Peter Rabbit!”

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Talk Spot: Kermit and the Guest Star speak about the Disney and Pixar movie series he’s done voice acting in
Kermit: “So, (Guest Star’s 1st Name), who are the characters that you did voice acting in?”

Guest Star: “Well, Kermit, I voiced Hamm in Toy Story 1, 2, 3 and 4, P.T. Flea in A Bug’s Life 1 and 2, the Yeti in Monsters Incorporated, Monsters University and Monsters Incorporated 2, the Moon Fish in Finding Nemo, Finding Dory and Finding Lisa, the Underminer in The Incredibles, Mack in Cars 1, 2, 3 and 4, Mustafa the Waiter in Ratatouille 1, 2, 3 and 4, Construction Foreman Tom in Up and its sequel installment: Up Again and Fritz in Inside Out 1, 2 3 and 4.”

Kermit: “Oh boy, that’s a lot of Disney and Pixar animated movies.”

The Swedish Chef Sketch number: sports grilled cheese dogs
Swedish Chef: Teke a me out to zee bell a game, teke a me out to zee crowd, buy me soome peanoots und crecker jecks, I dun’t a care eef I effer get a beck, soo leet’s rut, rut, rut for zee hum team, eef zey dun’t a ween eet’s a shame, fur eets a oone, tvu, three-a strikes, yooor a out at zee old a bell a game

Swedish Chef: “Tuneeght, ve’re a meeking spurts greeleed cheese a dugs, furst, get out sevee toorkey dugs.”

The Swedish Chef gets out 7 turkey dogs and puts them on a microwaveable plate.

Swedish Chef: “Next, poot Emereecun cheese un zee toorkey dugs.”

The Swedish Chef puts some pieces of American cheese on the 7 turkey dogs.

Swedish Chef: “Lest boot nut leest, microoweeve zeem fur sevee tee nein secunds.”

The Swedish Chef microwaves the sports grilled cheese dogs in the microwave for 79 2nds, ‘til they get warmer, then turns off the microwave, puts on his oven mitts and gets them outta the microwave, then puts them right back on the counter top.

Swedish Chef: “Und noo vee a put zeem een sevee hut dug rulls.”

The Swedish Chef puts the 7 sports grilled cheese dogs in 7 hot dog rolls.

Swedish Chef: “Und zeere yoo a heve eet.”

The sports grilled cheese dogs come to life and begin tap dancing and Remy from Ratatouille 1, 2, 3 and 4 shows up and comments about them.

Remy: “Wow, look at the legs on those sports grilled cheese dogs.”

Swedish Chef: “Vhet zee hey?”

Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again……….

Waldorf: “Wow, he sure is good at cooking those turkey dogs with American cheese in that microwave.”

Statler: “Yeah right, we never knew technology would be very easy.”

Waldorf: “Well, ‘til he begins to cook them on the kitchen stove top!”

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage………

Kermit: “Pigs in Space is next, Pigs in Space is next onstage, everybody.”

Pigs in Space sketch number: Giant Meteor
Announcer: “And now it’s time for Pigs in Spaaaaace, starring Captain Link Hogthrob, 1st Mate Miss Piggy and the wise cracking scientific genius, Dr. Strangepork, where we last left our heroes aboard the Swine Trek.”

Link Hogthrob: “Well, it looks like another day ahead of us.”

1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: “And it’s gonna be another day of Dr. Strangepork’s inventions.”

Dr. Strangepork: “Hey, check out my new invention, you guys, it’s the official Meteor Blaster 600, it can destroy any single meteor at every single size.”

1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: “Fascinating.”

Link Hogthrob: “In fact, here comes a giant meteor right now!”

The camera zooms in on the giant meteor that’s approaching the Swine Trek.

Dr. Strangepork: “Not to worry about it, I’m gonna destroy it for good.”

Dr. Strangepork destroys the giant meteor with the Meteor Blaster 600.

Dr. Strangepork: “And that’s exactly how it works.”

1st Mate Piggy/Miss Piggy: “I agree to that.”

Link Hogthrob: “What a relief.”

Announcer: “Will Link Hogthrob ever take control of the Swine Trek? will 1st Mate Piggy ever keep her beauty looks? will Dr. Strangepork ever come up with new invention ideas? find out on the next exciting episode of Pigs in Spaaaaace.”

Muppet News Flash: Cluckitis
Newsman (off screen): “Here’s a Muppet News Flash.”

The Newsman arrives at his desk.

Newsman: “This just in, there’s been a serious outbreak of cluckitis, where everybody begins sneezing and transforming into chickens, and we’d better watch ourselves and not get cluckitis.”

Suddenly, the Newsman begins developing a sneeze attack.

Newsman: [Sneezes A Bit]

The Newsman is now a Muppet chicken, but is still wearing the Newsman’s attire.

Newsman/Muppet Chicken: “I think I spoke too soon.”

Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage……

Kermit: “Veterinarian’s Hospital is next, Veterinarian’s Hospital is next onstage, everybody.”

Veterinarian’s Hospital sketch number: Floyd as the patient
Announcer: “And now, Veterinarian’s Hospital, the continuing story of a quack, who’s gone to the dogs.”

Rowlf/Dr. Bob: “And so when I was takin’ a nice long walk on the beach, I looked between 2 big rocks and I found the biggest clam shell and thought it would make a real nifty music box.”

Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: “Oh, Dr. Bob, you and your clam jokes.”

Janice/Nurse Janice: “So, Dr. Bob, who’s our patient this time?”

Rowlf/Dr. Bob: “Behold, Nurse Piggy and Nurse Janice, observe and watch.”

Rowlf/Dr. Bob pulls back the corner of the green quilt to reveal Floyd as the patient.

Floyd: [Coughing A Bit] “Why did I ever get these ill conditions?”

Rowlf/Dr. Bob: “Hey, what happened to you here?”

Floyd: “Well, I was dustin’ the shelves at my house, and suddenly, I began developin’ these cough and sneeze attacks.”

Janice/Nurse Janice: “Oh bummer, that’s not a good situation.”

Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: “What you need to do is take plenty of liquids and pills and a lot of bed rest.”

Floyd: “Easy for you to say.”

Announcer: “Will Nurse Janice ever keep control with every single patient? does Nurse Piggy know what she’s doing? will Dr. Bob ever use his Dr. tools properly? tune in next week when you hear Nurse Piggy say-”

Miss Piggy/Nurse Piggy: “So, Dr. Bob, any word for this patient?”

Rowlf/Dr. Bob: “Well, Nurse Piggy, I say he’s very nauseated.”

Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again…….

Statler: “You know, Waldorf, I once went to my own dr. appointments.”

Waldorf: “What did the dr. say to you?”

Statler: “He said I contacted another Charlie Horse!”

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again……

Kermit: “Muppet Sports is next, Muppet Sports is next onstage, everybody.”

Muppet Sports Sketch number: Log jumping
Louis Kazagger: “Hello, my dear good sports fans, Louis Kazagger here, welcoming you to another edition of Muppet Sports, that’s right, today’s sport is log jumping, here we have our contestants: Fozzie and Gonzo, and our 4 judges: Woody, Bo Peep, Buzz and Jessie, now watch and see who can jump over 5 logs.”

[Gunshot Sound]

Fozzie and Gonzo begin jumping and jumping.

Louis Kazagger: “Will they make it? will they win the race?”

Fozzie and Gonzo jump over the 5 logs and both of them win the race.

Louis Kazagger: “And Fozzie and Gonzo win the race.”

Woody: “They won the race, they won the race!”

Bo Peep: “I always knew they could do it.”

Buzz: “Whoa, pretty impressive.”

Jessie: “They tied, they tied!”

Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again……….

Waldorf: “I sure do remember the good old days with log jumping.”

Statler: “And I also remember the good old days with a banana cream pie toss.”

Waldorf: “A day of outdoor sports authority!”

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Cut back to Kermit in his office backstage again………

Kermit: “Muppet Labs is next, Muppet Labs is next onstage, everybody.”

Muppet Labs sketch number: Pizza Popper 700
[Clock Ticking]

[Muppet Labs Theme Music In Background]

Bunsen: “Dr. Bunsen Honeydew, here at Muppet Labs where the future is being made today.”

(Brief Pause)

Bunsen: “That’s right, we’re testing out our new invention: the Pizza Popper 700.”

(Brief Pause) Bunsen: “Are you tired of waiting for a personal delivery or making all types of pizza in your kitchen oven? well, the Pizza Popper 700 is just the thing, which of course my faithful assistant, Beaker, will now demonstrate, (to Beaker) go ahead, Beaker, put a meatball green pepper pizza in here.”

Beaker: Mee, mee……

Beaker puts a meatball green pepper pizza in the Pizza Popper 700.

Bunsen: “Observe and watch what happens.”

Beaker is drumming his fingers on the lab table.

Bunsen: “And there you have it.”

The Pizza Popper 700 says done, and Beaker puts on some oven mitts, takes out the meatball green pepper pizza and suddenly, his head is turned into a beaker-shaped pizza head.

Beaker: [Shrieking And Meeping In Alarm]

Bunsen: “Oh my word, Beaker, what just happened to you?”

Beaker: “Mee, mo, mee, mo, mee, mee!”

Bunsen: “Well, that’s all the time we have, so join us next time, at Muppet Labs, where the future is being made today.”

Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony again…….

Waldorf: “So, have you ever tried microwaving a frozen pizza before?”

Statler: “Well, no, but I did try heating 1 up in a toaster oven.”

Waldorf: “Another day another pizza party.”

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Again]

Cut back to Kermit onstage……….

Kermit: “And now, ladies and gentlemen, good friends of all ages, it’s time for our closing musical number.”

Closing Musical number: Together Again (from both The Muppets Take Manhattan and Muppets Most Wanted)
Rowlf: [Playing Music On Piano]

Kermit: Together again, again, gee it’s good to be together again, again, I just can’t remember that you’ve ever been gone, it’s not starting over, it’s just going on

Miss Piggy: together again, again, now we’re here and there’s no need remembering when

Fozzie: ‘cause no feeling feels like that feeling

Kermit, Walter and Muppet friends: together again

Rowlf: again

Animal: again

Gonzo: again

Kermit, Walter and Muppet friends: together again, again, gee it’s good to be together again, again, I just can’t imagine that you’ve ever been gone, it’s not starting over, it’s just going on

Electric Mayhem band members: together again, again, now we’re here and there’s no need remembering when

Kermit, Walter and Muppet friends: ‘cause no feeling feels like that feeling, together a, together agaaaaaaain, together again.

Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony once again…….

Waldorf: “You know, Statler, this song reminds us of The Muppets Take Manhattan and Muppets Most Wanted.”

Statler: “Music to our ears!”

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably Once Again]

Scene 2: Back onstage/welcoming the Guest Star
Kermit: “Alright, thanks a bunch, everybody, we’ve all had such a wonderful show tonight, but right before we go, let’s give a nice warm round of applause for Mr. (Guest Star’s Name), yaaaaaaay!”

The Guest Star arrives out onstage.

Guest Star: “Well, Kermit, Walter and friends, I’d like to thank all of you for having me on the show tonight with all of your most favorite Disney and Pixar animated character friends.”

Kermit: “I know, (Guest Star’s 1st name), and we’ve watched all of the movies that you did voice acting in.”

Walter: “Hey, you guys, you might need to duck your heads down, ‘cause there’s a lot of Luxo Balls bouncing around all over the place.”

Suddenly, an entire bunch of Luxo Balls begin bouncing around all over the place and they all duck their heads down.

Kermit: “I don’t believe this, but we’ll see you next time on The All-New Muppet Show.”

Voice Performers Credits
Steve Whitmire

Eric Jacobson

Dave Goelz

Bill Barretta

David Rudman

Matt Vogel

Peter Linz

Ryan Dillon

Voice Cast Members Credits
Tom Hanks

Tim Allen

Annie Potts

Joan Cusack

Patton Oswalt

Cut back to Statler and Waldorf in the balcony 1 more time………

Waldorf: “Hey, Statler, I’ve got an idea, now that this show is over, let’s all take a vacation trip down to the Richard Hunt Memorial Beach House.”

Statler: “Good idea, Waldorf, ‘cause we’re outta here!”

Statler and Waldorf: [Laughing Uncontrollably 1 More Time]